How Dare You Have Preferences!
The Accusation of Expectation
The Accusation of Perfection Seeking
In our modern era, where every bit of advice is a reactionary backlash to TikTok, a woman is expected to like any and every man who offers himself to her. If she states she is not interested she is immediately bombarded with accusations. Why don’t you like him? Your standards are too high. Where is this perfect man you’re seeking? The critic has already made the assumption the woman is being unreasonable and predicts anything she has to say will be more reminiscent of a TikTok bimbo than a well-thought-out, biblically informed philosophy of dating.
You don’t have to like everybody. You don’t have to throw yourself at every man who expresses interest in you. No one is entitled to being liked. Furthermore, just because you don’t like someone in a romantic way, doesn’t mean you don’t like them as a person. And no, that isn’t idolizing romance. Even the most ardent critics have to admit they don’t want to marry every single person who walks down the street. Human sexuality is a feature, not a bug of humanity. It is important and not something to be taken lightly. It is ironic that people who are in sexually healthy marriages will often downplay that important component of marriage. But just wait until said couple hits a rough patch in their marriage. There are arguments, business schedules, or problems with the children; for whatever reason, sex and romance just aren’t happening. Now, it is suddenly the most important thing on planet earth. They’re walking around sexually frustrated and sitting in the marriage counselor’s office. Oh, how the turn tables. . .. Sex and physical attraction are important facets of marriage. Whether they are the most important is completely irrelevant and I would argue the components of marriage cannot be ranked nor ordered. The emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual components are interconnected and build one upon the other. If there is a lack in one of them the lack will impact the others. In a discussion with his daughter Mikhaila, Jordan Peterson recalled a problem some of his clients ran into. Some of his clients would meet someone, genuinely like them, but not be physically attracted to them. They wished they were and married them thinking the attraction would come in time. It never did. Dr. Peterson’s advice is to marry someone for whom you have an attraction (Peterson, 2024). And if Songs of Songs is any indication it is an integral part of the Christian view of marriage.
Standards vs. Impossible Standards
Just because you don’t want this man doesn’t mean you want a perfect man. There existed only one perfect man and he died on a cross 2,000 years ago. The accusation of perfection seeking is often thrown around without any honest inquiry into what the woman really wants. TikTok videos featuring women who want 6ft, $100k/yr. men with abs went viral and now any woman who expresses disinterest in a man is accused of being just another TikTok girl. A woman with standards like a shared faith, work ethic, faithfulness, honesty, and basic physical attraction should not be put into the same category as the misguided women on TikTok.
Furthermore, having a basic standard of physical attraction is not the same as having an unrealistic standard for male beauty. If at one end of the spectrum we have a man who is 300lbs and another where he has perfectly chiseled abs, it is fair to put the standard somewhere in the middle. But it is fair to point out that preference in physical attractiveness goes beyond physical fitness. We’ll go to the extreme and take actors as an example. The vast majority of actors are extremely handsome. That being said, women often have preferences even among the most attractive men, because people have types. Types are not wrong. They are a natural part of the human experience. A woman may have an appreciation for Christian Bale, but no appreciation for Brad Pitt. Both men are objectively handsome and objectively equally so. However, women would subjectively be more drawn to one than the other. Both objective and subjective elements exist within the realm of human attraction.
Genetic Influence
Genetic factors influence human attraction. A study examined the influence of genetic variation on mate selection. A group of women smelled and ranked the scent of men without seeing them. The women were most attracted to the scent of men who were genetically dissimilar to them (Sandro Carval Hosantos et al., 2005). Charles Spence (2021) provides an excellent overview of the literature on how our olfactory senses influence our perceptions of others. Odor can influence our perception of people’s “attractiveness, age, affect, health/disease status, and even elements of their personality.” He also mentions the way a person’s own scent can affect their own behavior, thereby making others perceive them differently. In a nutshell, if a woman meets a handsome man, but is not attracted to him. It does not necessarily follow that she is idealizing male beauty. Instead, there may be a biological reason why she does not find him sexually appealing.
Cultural Influence
Furthermore, cultural influences may be at play. This is a particularly poignant point in the United States, which is made up of a variety of subcultures. If a woman grew up in Louisiana, but temporarily moves to Florida for college, and is not attracted to the men in her new environment, cultural forces may be at play. Louisiana was established primarily by French settlers and their descendants have developed a cultural ethos marked by their rugged, bayou environment, historical traditions, and unique mannerisms. The look and mannerisms of a Cajun, bayou man are very different from those of the Cocoa Beach Floridian. Perhaps our cultural transplant does not have unrealistic standards, but standards that are shaped by the environment she grew up in. Her temporary stint at a college does not preclude her from moving back home and finding a more suitable mate.
Psychological Influence
To complicate matters further, psychological factors may be at play. For example, women being the weaker sex look to their male counterparts for protection. A variety of physical markers including broad shoulders, height, muscle mass, etc. indicate whether a male can sufficiently protect a woman and her offspring. If a woman is not attracted to a man who possesses few, if any, of these features, then that is a psychological survival mechanism. It is important to note three things. First, the man does not necessarily have to win the fight. He just needs to give his wife and offspring enough time to get away. Second, there exists a margin of error. For example, men cannot change their height, but nearly every man can increase his muscle mass (assuming he doesn’t have certain medical conditions). I believe most women would agree that a short man who takes up weightlifting is preferable to a tall, scrawny man. I have seen short, well-muscled men with gorgeous wives taller than they are. Their wives chose them as protectors, because even though they score low in the height category, they score high on other metrics. Those high scores give their wives confidence in their husband’s ability to defend them. Third, scoring high in any particular category is more functional than presumed. For a woman to consider a man well-muscled, does not mean he has to look like the Rock. A man’s musculature could be considerably smaller and still achieve the desired effect: protection. A man needs some muscle, not a lot of muscle.
Call to Action
A critic of these facts may argue that not every man can look like this. To which I respond most can and it used to be commonplace for men to reach these standards. If one looks back on historical photographs, you’ll find average men were much more robust than they are now. Our tainted agricultural products, over consumption of carbs and sugar, and underconsumption of fat and protein have created generations of men who are fat and slothful. Furthermore, male activity has declined over the course of generations. Blue collar jobs would train the body as would outdoor play and sports. Now, desk jobs, video games, and social media have broken the bodies of men who pale in comparison to their not very distant ancestors. Women desire the robust young men of yesteryear, not the couch potato, soy boys of today. Many cultural commentators are encouraging young men to take better care of themselves. I heartily endorse this message and encourage men to take up the mantle of their grandfathers as stalwart guardians of their households. This is what women want. Strong men, not fat, pacifistic sluggards.
Note: A critic of this article may make the argument that women are no longer feminine and neglect themselves. The failure of women to uphold their end of the bargain does not negate the responsibility of men to uphold theirs. And don’t worry, I have a forthcoming article in which I call women to a higher standard as well. Both sexes have work to do.
Bibliography
Peterson, Mikhaila, and Jordan Peterson. “Jordan Peterson on Divorce, Breakups, Jealousy, and Dark Personality Traits | EP 199.” 31 Jan. 2024, Accessed 9 June 2024.
Sandro Carval Hosantos, Pablo, et al. “New evidence that the MHC influences odor perception in humans: A study with 58 Southern Brazilian students.” Hormones and Behavior, vol. 47, no. 4, Apr. 2005, pp. 384–388, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.yhbeh.2004.11.005.
Spence, Charles. “The scent of attraction and the smell of success: Crossmodal influences on person perception.” Cognitive Research: Principles and Implications, vol. 6, no. 1, 26 June 2021, https://doi.org/10.1186/s41235-021-00311-3.
Good article. And not only physical strength means protection...moral courage also signals protection, too! Be willing to fight for what you value and love.